Craving the S A N I T Y

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Silence. Peace. Rest.

Oakstar needed all three of these elements even more than the air she was heavily breathing now. Her mind was racing, and peace was far from it. Half-Bridge provided her with silence, but to the distressed leader, it was the loudest noise she’d ever heard. Her heart was beating so fast, it was if she had just finished sprinting around the lake. Oakstar was sitting at the edge of the bridge, the Silverpelt shining above her. Everything seemed to be in a tangle, as it always was with her. Though the clan was at its highest peak in prosperity, somehow, Oakstar was in the pits. How could the clan be so high, and their leader feel so low?

Lately she had been following everyone around silently, like a queen over her kits, making sure that they didn’t get into trouble. It was as if they did anything dangerous, she would slap their paw and scold them for being bad little kits. Of course they were old enough to fend for themselves, but Oakstar couldn’t manage that thought. Her mind was at war of course, anything said was debated over. Her mind was losing to insanity.

Looking over the dock, she stared at her reflection and whispered, “You. You were a friend. You see how it was my fault. Of course it was mine. I'm too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life? I'm sorry for wasting your time.” She turned away to leave, but then turned back and stared back into the eyes of the icy cat that stared at her, “But I don't break that easy. Does the insanity fade away? So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it.
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed.”

||: OOC
||: Word Count 315
||: Comments: Will Oakstar lose her mind? Who knows? You are now entering, the Twilight Zone! *duh duh duh*
||: Inpiration: "Absolutely Zero" by Jason Mraz

[Fernear!]

The homely scent of a new-leaf day had washed over the lake territories; the scent of the rain drenching the dead land, like a morning splash to the face. The scent of rejuvenating anew. The land itself seemed to be waking up from a long, cold hibernation. The spring scent was like the breath from a lofty yawn. It was sweet and welcoming compared to the thought of the harsh, crisp air of leaf-bare.

As the she-cat placed each paw before the other, grass was pushed down, leaving an impression. The temperature had dropped on this particular day. The lake was no longer frozen and the snow had nearly left, save the occasional patch. Her ears twitched when droplets expelled themselves from their leafy homes. They were still cold to the touch. Silkgrass was walking through the marsh, taking her common path to save the work of toppling semi-frozen cattails and reeds. Hanging above her head was a sky of the most uncanny demeanor. Cold hearted grey clouds had pulled themselves over the sun, crisp raindrops held inside. It was sure to rain, she could sense it.

Making a feeble exit from the muddy pathway, Silkgrass pushed down a loose reed to see what breached upon the familiar land today. Her golden eyes were drawn to the plants that had popped from the ground. Pale watermint, sparse goldenrod and even the rare buttercup towards the side. She sighed feeling guilty for being who she was. The truth is that it's the worst wave of guilt to be hit by; you can never divert it, only ignore it until it disintegrates.

A proverbial voice caught Silkgrass's ear. She knew instantly that it was of Oakstar; it seemed that even her leader was having troubles. Numerous lengths away Silkgrass sat, head down and deep in thought. She was thinking, no, arguing with herself. It was like an old re-run of her memories; horrible thoughts about life as a loner, life as a quick-tongued cat who could always agree with herself. A cat who could depend on anything, but more so on herself. Someone whom Silkgrass believed she was no longer. Biting at the thought she jumped up and briskly walked the distance between the two felines and up onto the old dock. It creaked under her weight as little waves gushed under the wooden plats. Soon she was at the end, hip to hip with her leader. She gazed down at her reflection, hatred and peace battling against each other inside.

"I thought I knew you. I thought I could believe in you, look to you when I was down. I thought you were there to pick me up when I was down, to lick my wounds when I got hurt and to take me through life. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe..."

Her voice faded into a whisper as she drew to a close. Her eyes were locked with her reflection's when the rain began to fall, adding to the melancholy feeling of this moment.

ooc: not my best post.. Sorry for the lack of good words. Normally I go crazy for them but I guess it just wasn't happening here.

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Oakstar didn't even look up, let alone notice Silkgrass's presence. She simply stared at her reflection until her eyes pained from exposure to the wind. Blinking, Oakstar kneaded her paws against the creaky boards, completely engulfed in her thoughts. Her companion's words were blurred and unheard by the leader as she was immune to the outside world, until the rain began.

It shook Oakstar from her trance, and only then did she realize the cat sitting next to her. Giving a tiny shudder, she thought, "Oh no, did Silkgrass see my fit? Great Starclan, why? Why is there a stranger inside me?!" The cold, harsh wind blew against her face, awaking her further. Shaking her head, Oakstar began to hear Silkgrass's words. At first she thought they were being addressed to her, and started to shake in fright of this, but then realized that alas, they were not. The fearsome complaints were being driven towards the crashing waves below them, to a reflection that stood beside her own.

Oakstar's look of confusion was replaced by a saddened expression. The leader seemed to not be alone in her state of grieving. Laying her soil colored tail on the warriors pelt, she murmured, "I see no more the light of day, but only the mourning that comes along with it. What happened in the past, why is life no more it's glorious road?"

[Fernear!]

The rain's welcome to the wind was warmer than that of scorn from Silkgrass' mind. She sighed and glanced at Oakstar, her words seemed to be more open to a reply, more so than those that were directed to her reflection. The lustre of life did seem doomed to life behind a shield of gloom, but perhaps the world was still as vibrant as it once was in the minds of these two felines. Perhaps, just perhaps.

Silkgrass' voice was quiet and almost seemed like it was whispered to herself but it was indeed directed to Oakstar and whomever was listening, "Let us hope it's just a bad patch. Let us hope there's something at the end, something that will bring our hopes up. After all, it's only one part of the picture, the unfinished picture of our lives. Let us hope."

Shifting the weigh on her paws to the whole of her limbs, the she-cat lay down on the chilly planks. By now she had lost contact with her reflection's eyes. Her mind was calming. The maelstrom of anger and self scorn was calming into a smooth path of opportunity. The opportunity could once again lead to the same feelings she had been and is still mildly feeling, but it could also lead to mirth and even love. Who knows?

Suddenly, as if the thought fell from the clouds with the rain, Silkgrass spoke up. "Oakstar? Can we make a pact? A pact to survive this bad patch? I want to see what it leads to..." Her voice was small, as if she were a kit looking up to an elder; like she had when she was a kit. Her golden eyes glanced up at her leader's forgiving face pleadingly. She needed this, she needed something to inspire her to move on and forget about all things behind her.

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The shock of all of this created a ripple effect over Oakstar, and soon she realized that somehow, she was not completely alone. Blinking, she removed her tail from Silkgrass and placed it on the warrior’s cheek, so that their eyes met. Icy pools met golden globes as Oakstar watched her companion. Silkgrass seemed to be, intimidated by her companion. Her voice was small, as if she was afraid, yet, Oakstar could deny nothing herself.

She felt a sharp twist in her stomach at the realization of the situation. A warrior shouldn’t be afraid or feel lower than her leader. Somehow Oakstar felt it was her fault, she had been acting so much as a superior, when she should have been focusing on the friendship and trust that bonded her with her clan. No, they aren’t mine, Oakstar reminded herself, they are your clan mates, not your own property.

Sitting in front of her comrade, Oakstar murmured, “I’m sorry Silkgrass, I’m fading so far away from everyone I know. Yes, a pact we must make. Letting myself, ourselves, fall between the cracks, well, I cannot bear the thought.” The she-cat averted her eyes to her paws, and silently wished that she could be forgiven. How she had ignored everyone, and Hawkice, it was almost sickening. Looking back up at Silkgrass, she whispered, “Silkgrass, I must admit something to you.” Quickly her eyes fell to the floor, “But, I’m afraid of what it will lead to… May I ask of your advice?”